so many times, I remind myself to cheer up to choose to enjoy this life not to make it a burden. A part of me says okay but the other end pulls me even into a deeper tangle of worries a heavier burden of life.
once I made decision to have ideal life, to do what I am supposed to do as a house wife, to pay full attention on my 2 children, to spend more or even all of my time and sacrifice my spare time only for these two girls'need, to listen patiently, attentively to what they imagined but whew ..the more I want to be this and that the more decisions I make...in fact the further I will be away from the target..and at the end usually I'll do nothing but only feel distressed of not doing anything.....and that feeling is capable enough to take away my cheerfulness....
Dealing with the spouse..sometimes I try my way to make it simple by making believe nothing ever happened, no case , not anything..I live in my own imagination..but it doesn't work also...I cannot keep my cheerfulness......
maybe being myself,..being a human,...being realistic..will bring me to the cheerfulness.
Jumat, 08 Januari 2010
Jumat, 01 Januari 2010
sparring partner
never realized before that I was the one who chose my own life my own cases.
From TBN yesterday I have heard that we should be realistic instead of living in our thoughts in our fantasy...huh....
The way someone talks, looks at , and treats you actually they are all clues to know if the person loves you or not. So no need for me to feel that kind of hurt by several betrayals during the 10 years time.....by letting and giving in myself to be a sparring partner for my own thoughts, my own belief, and my own conclusion..the thought of that I had the absolute right to be loved by him....
BE REALISTIC
it isn't wrong to admit that there is no room for me in his heart. Anyway..even there is a room for me,... still no significant point... for what ???
The decision is made a long time ago..but now I cannot blame God , find an excuse to run away from what I should face...
I should behave as what I should do...whatever he does should not steer me. No need for me to be a cheater even he cheated me for instance.
The silly thoughts and things I made
- always asking for the right to be loved ....RIGTH TO BE LOVED...it sounds rather
peculiar and odd..but this matter made me misled and caused me depressed .
- deafening myself for the voices telling the true facts..and filling up my mind
with my own thoughts, arguments, and conclusions.
- being stiff necked..I thought it was almost impossible for me to be wrong in taking
my steps....
- being too proud to admit I could be wrong in my decision
- the most silly and shameful one is I thought I offered good and holy sacrifice to
my Lord by having this kind of life enduring the betrayal.
Lucky HE IS THE ALMIGHTY ONE gives me HIS LOVE....forgives me always...and..Lord I am touched by Your Patience with my foolish thoughts...
Lord .. forgive me if I often blamed You and disowned my own fault
Lord... in YOUR HAND everything will be great... and today 1st of jan 2010 I put my scrambled life, my fam , my hopes, my requests in Your Mighty LOVING Hand..and I know You never ever let me suffer and feel sad.
Bapa gives me YOUR SMIlE to pacify my heart...
LORD .....You are so kind... please approve my latest requests if they aren't against Your Will.......THANK YOU in advance Lord...
From TBN yesterday I have heard that we should be realistic instead of living in our thoughts in our fantasy...huh....
The way someone talks, looks at , and treats you actually they are all clues to know if the person loves you or not. So no need for me to feel that kind of hurt by several betrayals during the 10 years time.....by letting and giving in myself to be a sparring partner for my own thoughts, my own belief, and my own conclusion..the thought of that I had the absolute right to be loved by him....
BE REALISTIC
it isn't wrong to admit that there is no room for me in his heart. Anyway..even there is a room for me,... still no significant point... for what ???
The decision is made a long time ago..but now I cannot blame God , find an excuse to run away from what I should face...
I should behave as what I should do...whatever he does should not steer me. No need for me to be a cheater even he cheated me for instance.
The silly thoughts and things I made
- always asking for the right to be loved ....RIGTH TO BE LOVED...it sounds rather
peculiar and odd..but this matter made me misled and caused me depressed .
- deafening myself for the voices telling the true facts..and filling up my mind
with my own thoughts, arguments, and conclusions.
- being stiff necked..I thought it was almost impossible for me to be wrong in taking
my steps....
- being too proud to admit I could be wrong in my decision
- the most silly and shameful one is I thought I offered good and holy sacrifice to
my Lord by having this kind of life enduring the betrayal.
Lucky HE IS THE ALMIGHTY ONE gives me HIS LOVE....forgives me always...and..Lord I am touched by Your Patience with my foolish thoughts...
Lord .. forgive me if I often blamed You and disowned my own fault
Lord... in YOUR HAND everything will be great... and today 1st of jan 2010 I put my scrambled life, my fam , my hopes, my requests in Your Mighty LOVING Hand..and I know You never ever let me suffer and feel sad.
Bapa gives me YOUR SMIlE to pacify my heart...
LORD .....You are so kind... please approve my latest requests if they aren't against Your Will.......THANK YOU in advance Lord...
Sabtu, 26 Desember 2009
gift or grace
It became my self-tradition to ask something on the date of my birth..from THE LORD, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.
Long before the day, I would be busy to think what to be asked...and several lines of supporting reasons why I should be entitled to it would be clustered. Quite often tears as seasoning would be participated.
After receiving it, usually I would say to myself...."you are deserved what you asked..or maybe you are more righteous than people you dislike so that's why He approved it..." !!! GOODNESS .... !!!! SHAME ON ME !!!
How come just now I have realized ?? Lord.. forgive me..maybe I caused the stink before You ... and this hour I've also fully realized I've never deserved to receive anything I asked and Your forgiveness unless Your Son died for my sins.
Lord this is Christmas season and it conjures up my mind that Your Son came to redeem my sins and save my live...
and moreover about many things I have asked ..they aren't GIFTS but GRACE
Thank You Lord for the grace for forgiving my ignorance between gift and grace....
Long before the day, I would be busy to think what to be asked...and several lines of supporting reasons why I should be entitled to it would be clustered. Quite often tears as seasoning would be participated.
After receiving it, usually I would say to myself...."you are deserved what you asked..or maybe you are more righteous than people you dislike so that's why He approved it..." !!! GOODNESS .... !!!! SHAME ON ME !!!
How come just now I have realized ?? Lord.. forgive me..maybe I caused the stink before You ... and this hour I've also fully realized I've never deserved to receive anything I asked and Your forgiveness unless Your Son died for my sins.
Lord this is Christmas season and it conjures up my mind that Your Son came to redeem my sins and save my live...
and moreover about many things I have asked ..they aren't GIFTS but GRACE
Thank You Lord for the grace for forgiving my ignorance between gift and grace....
Kamis, 17 Desember 2009
WHEN HE OPENS...NO ONE CAN SHUT..NEITHER CAN I
I should learn and keep in mind from the recent issue.. to "go forward"...fight against my own fear that has been nagging, gnawing and once again trying to plunder my courage..It seemed impossible, it looked blur that time.. almost no support from people around me..even several jumped to their own conclusion carelessly and "hoped I couldn't get thru...."
I live in varied society.. it is normal....in fact it is not wise to hope something to hope a support from others...
that time I was so confused .. and I have almost agreed with people around me I have almost surrended my self to the fear.. and walked from TRAUMA TO THE DEEPER TRAUMA.
It was started on the early of November...the next day HE sent someone and talked to me not to be discouraged...and also sent my mom to say the same story not to give up..mom said to try again and again .. saying all of my cousins were worse than me before.
my mind said "you cannot" the rest of my broken courage said "you can" ... I've prayed and prayed asking His protection, supra natural talent..and now the trauma is gone
quoted from the verse psalm 94: 18-19 today:
"when I said "my foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me, Your -consolation brought joy to my soul."
He gives me strength
He makes me courageous
He supports me
He has thousand ways to help and heal me
HE OPENS THE DOOR........no one can say no !!!!
I live in varied society.. it is normal....in fact it is not wise to hope something to hope a support from others...
that time I was so confused .. and I have almost agreed with people around me I have almost surrended my self to the fear.. and walked from TRAUMA TO THE DEEPER TRAUMA.
It was started on the early of November...the next day HE sent someone and talked to me not to be discouraged...and also sent my mom to say the same story not to give up..mom said to try again and again .. saying all of my cousins were worse than me before.
my mind said "you cannot" the rest of my broken courage said "you can" ... I've prayed and prayed asking His protection, supra natural talent..and now the trauma is gone
quoted from the verse psalm 94: 18-19 today:
"when I said "my foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me, Your -consolation brought joy to my soul."
He gives me strength
He makes me courageous
He supports me
He has thousand ways to help and heal me
HE OPENS THE DOOR........no one can say no !!!!
Senin, 23 November 2009
christmas 2009
the season is coming... the smell whirls around me... quickly chapped heart is surrounded by His Blood in a blink...
He never likes and He never wants to find me downhearted... inside my heart He has just whispered..calling my name and saying....
why I hadn't given all my life to Him and trusted Him whole-heartedly..
Jesus ... forgives me..and I need to say
Thank You for Your everlasting meek smile...
Thank You for sparing my life several times from the wicked disaster...
Thank You for Your Counsel...
Thank You for holding me firmly while I was stumbling...
Thank You for vindicating me...
Thank You for bringing me close to Your Heart
Jesus... THANK YOU for cleansing my heart from any bitterness, sins, jealousy and many others which stained my heart....
Lord please accept my smile as a devotion to You..
YOU ARE THE BEST OF ALL...
YOU NEVER BE WRONG...
GLORY..GLORY...FOREVER...ALL THE GLORY ONLY FOR JESUS
HOLY IN THE HIGHEST PLACE....
ALMIGHTY... LOVE ....FOREVER AND EVER.....
MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009
He never likes and He never wants to find me downhearted... inside my heart He has just whispered..calling my name and saying....
why I hadn't given all my life to Him and trusted Him whole-heartedly..
Jesus ... forgives me..and I need to say
Thank You for Your everlasting meek smile...
Thank You for sparing my life several times from the wicked disaster...
Thank You for Your Counsel...
Thank You for holding me firmly while I was stumbling...
Thank You for vindicating me...
Thank You for bringing me close to Your Heart
Jesus... THANK YOU for cleansing my heart from any bitterness, sins, jealousy and many others which stained my heart....
Lord please accept my smile as a devotion to You..
YOU ARE THE BEST OF ALL...
YOU NEVER BE WRONG...
GLORY..GLORY...FOREVER...ALL THE GLORY ONLY FOR JESUS
HOLY IN THE HIGHEST PLACE....
ALMIGHTY... LOVE ....FOREVER AND EVER.....
MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009
Selasa, 01 September 2009
HE IS MY LORD
When I was in a quandary,
He held my hand.
When the tears welled up my eyes,
He brought me to His Lap.
When I was in agony,
He wrapped me with His Blood
When I couldn't do anything,
He did something
HE IS MY LORD....
He held my hand.
When the tears welled up my eyes,
He brought me to His Lap.
When I was in agony,
He wrapped me with His Blood
When I couldn't do anything,
He did something
HE IS MY LORD....
Sabtu, 15 Agustus 2009
GOD IS GOOD
Bapa I need Your Hug.....I am Yours....
You are so great n You let me go thru this all.....I know Your Eyes on me.... Thank You for Your Smile Lord...as You fully understand me....be patient on me...You does the same to them....to him.
The tears keep on dropping...maybe it is one of my weaknesses....let it be Lord...as I myself don't really realize I am happy or I am in great turmoil, anger or sadness.
Bapa.....I am tired.... I cannot be this sentimental.... Life should be go on
Bapa ....if I am doing something wrong pls forgive me ... is it a punishment Lord ?
You promise me You take me out of this..this time....no more bondage...You give me relief
.....
You love us all as human beings....You love them .. even him....
last time when I was asking
"if he is a real human .?.. what You see of him ? "
to my astonishment You said he was precious than anything in the world...
and I stopped asking that time....I couldn't find any reason to hate the person You love Bapa ..... You love him Lord..... Maybe I am as worse as him or maybe more but you never give up on me.......
Several times for almost a decade You have reminded me not to "give up" on him...... and now even I don't know how.... You do also not give up on him .....!!!! God is good....
You are so great n You let me go thru this all.....I know Your Eyes on me.... Thank You for Your Smile Lord...as You fully understand me....be patient on me...You does the same to them....to him.
The tears keep on dropping...maybe it is one of my weaknesses....let it be Lord...as I myself don't really realize I am happy or I am in great turmoil, anger or sadness.
Bapa.....I am tired.... I cannot be this sentimental.... Life should be go on
Bapa ....if I am doing something wrong pls forgive me ... is it a punishment Lord ?
You promise me You take me out of this..this time....no more bondage...You give me relief
.....
You love us all as human beings....You love them .. even him....
last time when I was asking
"if he is a real human .?.. what You see of him ? "
to my astonishment You said he was precious than anything in the world...
and I stopped asking that time....I couldn't find any reason to hate the person You love Bapa ..... You love him Lord..... Maybe I am as worse as him or maybe more but you never give up on me.......
Several times for almost a decade You have reminded me not to "give up" on him...... and now even I don't know how.... You do also not give up on him .....!!!! God is good....
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