past memory

I can feel the sweet now,
when I remember the past bitterness
I can feel joyful now,
when I remember the past sorrowness
I can feel lucky now.
when I remember the past wretchedness


I can feel abundant now,
when I remember the past long lacking
I can feel secured now,
when I remember the past threatening
I can feel relaxed now,
when I remember the past damn rushing


*** Thanks God.....everything is perfect in YOUR HAND ****

THE TRIUMPH

the triumph for a baby
reaching and holding a birth certificate

the triumph for a kid
reaching and holding a school certificate

the triumph for a teen
reaching and holding an idealism certificate

the triumph for a bachelor
reaching and holding a bank certificate

the triumph for an old man
reaching and holding a health certificate

the triumph of the triumphs
reaching and holding A DEATH CERTIFICATE

ENVY

Feeling envy is subtle,
Likes a string of thin bristle,
It is not easily seen,
But it is a real sin.

Envy produced stink rattle,
Making the teeth go brittle,
Causing rotten all dentins,
Getting only self-ruin.

the scent of december

The breeze sneaks into my room thru the upper ventilation, and whisper softly to announce its coming.."wake up, ...this is me"
Heavily and doubtfully, I lift up my eyelids and squint at the clock and doze off.
For the second time with the same gently voice, it whispers again.."don't you look forward to seeing the gifts I've prepared for you ? with me also a present that you've never dared to dream about before..I have prepared it for years ."

Suddenly I realize that's the real voice of my true old friend that never fails to come in every december. I pop out the eyes, stretch my body ,snatch the handmade wallet and dash to the six year old bike for a joy ride. In the nearby traditional market I park my bike and start to fill my basket. After quite enough time the basket looks overburdened and my wallet goes empty. And I go home.

On the way, my best old friend and I chant in harmony...It empowers me to forget all the pain, the scars, the bitterness, and the tears...
My heart is so light without any burden. I feel I can fly.

At home I take out each thing purchased. Compliment after compliment for each of the things uttered over and over. I am so content and pleased.
Once in a while my old friend hides and comes out immediately to make me laugh and sure that everything is all right.

My old friend always conjures up memories of memorable family events,my mom's busy kitchen, my father's advices, my siblings' hopes, and my dreams when I was very young.....!!

cause and effect

too smooth.....makes slippery
too rich.......makes greedy
too big........makes clumsy
too good.......makes cocky

whereas

too hard.......makes sorry
too poor.......makes dingy
too small......makes pity
too ugly.......makes messy

purple, blue, and red

the wine is purple
pulls through a cripple

the high sky is blue
from there comes the clues

blood is always red
from cross clamps the shreds

curiosity

curiosty creates torture...
cannot close eyes night and day
curiosty creates fracture...
cannot walk in proper way

past life

begitu banyak yang kulihat
kepedihan yang tersirat
begitu banyak yang kudapat
kepedihan yang terpahat

hampa

hari berlalu,
musim berlalu,
masa berlalu,
waktu berlalu,

tetapi
n'tah mengapa dan kenapa
hati ini berkata hampa

wine

like storms around the vine
life was not always fine
last I walked like a blind
with nothing as a sign
heart was aching by spine
nightmares were in my mind
thank God for the dear wine
make the bliss will be mine


lots grapes produced from vine
quench the thirst to be fine
God comes to heal the blind
and give wine His love sign
He makes sure no more spine
in my heart and my mind
bread with a cup of wine
mercy, grace will be mine


........Thanks to Him
........Thanks to Him to give me new heart and life

c h r i s t m a s

sparkling and twinkling,
the tree is greeting
dancing and jiggling,
the girl is singing
laughing and tossing,
the man is welcoming


sparkling and twinkling,
the tinsel is waving
dancing and jiggling,
the leaf is falling
laughing and tossing,
the christmas is coming

DEVINA

You are my baby girl...
Holding you in my arm
Seeing you day after day
Kissing you at night and day
Having you in my heart
Loving you..... ever and ever

22 June 2002

on the phone with y2 august 7 2005...1.00 am

fajar menjelang,
kata kubilang...
jam dinding berdentang,
indah kukenang

question

time passes...time goes
when it comes..... shud I go ??

(taken from last year diary)

iris

hari ini ku menangis lagi
perih pedih mengiris hati
ada satu jeritan di hati
haruskah kulihat dia lagi ?????

jalan hidup tak bisa kupungkiri
jalanNYA kujunjung tinggi
untuk apa bersedih hati
kalau memang seharusnya kulalui

mengapa harus bertatih tatih
membawa beban berat dihati
hidup ini terlalu berarti
untuk ingin kesetiaan sebuah hati

a song "karna ku tahu"

karna ku tahu...
Dia lebih tahu

karna ku tahu
Dia pasti tahu...

karna ku tahu
Dia benar tahu....

apa yang terjadi padaku....

* tak usah ku takut
tak usah ku hanyut

tak usah ku marah
tak usah ku resah........ karna ku tahu

diary 30 june 1995

only the wet roads...
can reflect a spotlight

only the wet eyes...
can reflect a brigt smile

hAti

hidup akan berarti,
jika dapat sehati

hidup takkan berati,
jika tidak sehati

heART

life is a whole,
if there is a heart

life is a hole,
if there is no heart

potret kenangan

tak sengaja
masa lalu kukenang

tak sengaja
air mata berlinang


(looking at my photo album taken around 12 years ago)

arti

saat hari berganti
rasa tak punya arti

sampai tiba saatnya nanti
ada rasa menusuk hati


(inspired by seeing my 12 year ago photo album)

night

hold the night
keep it tight
won't let it be past
want it last

dive all night
surf on tide
won't let it be past
hope forever last

at deep night
in deep sight
say to hurting past
it shudn't last

beautiful life - pictures in my heart

brOKEn heart

hard to get
as hard as to deny,....

like a balloon
it must be down anyway...

and that is the time
hatred is poured into love.....

beautiful life

Who can make you downhearted ? Will you put the blame on your people around; spouse, children, neigbours even your enemy ?........wait....wait... nobody or nothing can put you down except yourself.

Once a young lady with swollen dark eyes said " ...see after all my hubby will feel sorry....he will regret seeing me getting insane...... or let see if I run away or kill myself at the end..... This is my way to take vengeance on him.......him !! ........ and I will be satisfied then....."

Similar story comes from a 15 year old broken-home girl.... "I hate mylife...I hate myself ......I hate my body..... I hate my fam...and the most of all I hate him....(her dad) . I hate school ... I hate my supervisor..... I hate this world. They all give me a headache. They just compete to create scar after scar in my heart....no other word but WHY decorated the whole pages of my dearest diary "

Here we go with the questions
1. Who is the most responsble on your life ?
Do not let anybody steer your happiness. Your happiness is your own decision....it is not
given by anyone else no matter he or she is. Your spouse cannot give you neither happiness
nor grief. SO choose to be happy ... why not instead of feel sorry for yourself.

2. Why they do this to me ?
Do not be self-center...me...me....me.....
Do something for others... try to make others happy to be around you.
Do not expect anysthing from anybody otherwise youn will be frustrated.....