the "what"

what grabbed my cheerfulness ?

what took my passion ?

what faded my courage ?

what haunted me ?

what daunted me ?

................
................ the "anxiousness" did ............

on 27th of july 2011 he passed away...

he is my father...he is now with my Lord Jesus ...i try but still it is difficult for me to imagine how happy he is now...!! he loves us so much...he loves his sons...

suddenly i wonder if he still worries about so many things.. like what he did before...or maybe the fact not as the way i think, surely it is not.

he has left us peacefully because he knows all of us in HIS PERFECT HAND and as GOD has worked on him HE also never fail on us.....smile

no more jitters and no dismay...

Bursting with worries and too much fear were really something pulled me away from my true destiny GOD has planned me to be so far. It grabbed the smile and stole the beauty of the life itself for so many many of my years until three days ago in my prayer with desperate courage the question came out representing my uneasy heart that suffered so much because of this " what's wrong with me ?" "what's my fault Lord ?" and suddenly I have got the answer....worries and fear ....are the factors I should fight against .

....THE CROWN OF TRIUMPH PAVES MY WAYS AHEAD....
if GOD with me who can be against me ?

Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee ....Joshua 1: 9b

BAPA .. THANK YOU.

who starts the war ?

???????

!!!!!!!

i am deserved !!!

after long monotonous kind of lamentation colored my attitude and fringed my previous writing reflected the faded mentality and weak courage and now just today HE has opened my eyes widely and HE has just given me the scripture John 17: 1-25 and I derive the following from it

* i am YOURS

* BAPA protects me by the power of HIS name

* i will have the full measure of JESUS' joy

* "for them I sanctified MYSELF, that they too may be truly sanctified" John 17: 19

* "I have given them the glory.." John 17:22

* YOU never live me and i will see YOUR GLORY

and the last point YOU are earnestly eager for my happiness, for seeing my bright smile that the last gloomy time i frequently admitted i never deserved yet caused of JESUS , HIS SACRIFICE, that empower me now i have aborted all the curses and i have been declaring

*** I AM DESERVED to have the above points and as HIS dearest i claim HIS desire
to make me whole and happy .....and again i am deserved to have beautiful life
forever. and again i am deserved !!!


THANK YOU JESUS.....THANK YOU for the beautiful Easter gift ever......

i am deserved !!!

for we are to God the aroma of Christ.. 2 Cor 15

today is Chinese new year and I am here instead of coming back to my hometown seeing my hospitalized father. am I loaded with too many things in my mind ?? in fact I am not taking any step.. to deal with them.. and because really I am not in the capacity for handling and since the last several months God has made me realized that's not my part and either the Salvation or the Deliverance all comes from HIM only...HIS passion ..HIS love.....HIS compassion....HIS words...HIS will.

Yes YOUR WORDS saying if one is safe...the whole household will be safe..that's awesome that's the proof of your compassion upon us..

Lord thank YOU for Your Sacrifice..on behalf of my family, especially my father, I say thank You and forgive our sins.

make us be the aroma of Christ before BAPA.........

I am healed 21 Nov 2010

IF HE WANTS , I will be healed and after this quite long period of time more than 30 years longing in the worst way to be delivered finally I know I AM HEALED TODAY ..not because of my thousands variuos efforts but

ALL HIS HAND,
ALL HIS POWER,

ALL HIS GRACE,
ALL HIS MERCY,

AND THE MOST OF ALL
BECAUSE HE WANTS

am I happy ?

Last time several men uttered the question to me if I was happy in term of my marriage. I wonder why they asked me, did they ask the same question to others ?, or maybe I did invited the question 'cos of my countenance - did I look desperate to them ?

Dealing with that kind of question...I was competent enough to give the wise answer that I myself never knew from who, where or when I have learned or what had inspired me to say " happy or not it depends on me in this matter not because of the man I have married." ALWAYS I remind myself the answer is the most appropriate, it is insane if I blame him. And thanks God it helps me to resist the sin of accusing him.

Now at 3 am surprisingly the same question is popping out again but this time is being uttered by myself "am I happy ?"
For this time I cannot just replay the record to give the same answer..instead I ask why that question asked by myself ? Anyway I'm choosing to search the answer...
firstly I said " I am supposed to be happy because I have THE LORD "
soon another voice said to replace the first one " I have to be happy " but suddenly the final one is coming out and commanding me to say
" I AM HAPPY "

confusion vs victory

12 august 2010....12:06 am

what will be happened on the first sept 2010 ?
it makes me tap and once in a while give massage unto my forehead ... everything should be excellent .. no need to become restless like this...(I remind myself).
at least I write something today and during these 19 days I will try not to think about it...Bapa.....yours needs You...You must give her triumph over this ... You must give victory to her.

SEE ONLY WHAT YOU HAVE

Merely it is something between "HIM" and me that I realized just now.
This is my 1 month holiday and I expect something or to be more specific I make an appeal to Him..It cannot be denied my attitude becomes sometimes absurd while awaiting it. I need to keep reminding myself it is not my spouse the one who has to embody my request..sulky face towards "him" is seriously foolishness that smears my own heart.

Things getting worse when I know my 30 days is only several days away to come to the end whereas I still haven't received any sign of my request comes true. The more I think the sulkier I becomes towards him....

no..anything happened to me isn't caused by anybody...isn't caused by "him".
It is something to do between me and my LORD personally.
Getting het up about towards "him" is a big mistake is a bias

HE is THE ONLY ONE who prospers me..THE ONE who cares and waters me every second with HIS MILD LOVE AND SMILE which I am crazy about
HE is THE ONE that my heart hooks up so no need to be restless even I miss the target, miss the spectacular dream happened in this 30 day holiday..because HE who created me is perfect and everything HE gives to me is perfect.

Yesterday I was reminded and I became ashamed of myself since the same mistakes occurred not only once...I see what I don't have in spite of what I have..in fact I will see so many things more possibly the whole world and flesh never stops to be slaked, the problem is I am not created to accommodate the whole things I see....

I need to see only what I have so from this the gush of overflowed thankfulness will sparkle the heart

Lord thank You for everything I have..maybe someone has kinder spouse, better career or thousands more that the world can offer..but I can see now what fits me is what I have .. what YOU give to me ....Because You are perfect so what You set for me is PERFECT....LOVE YOU LORD>>>>

NEVER DO YOU LET ME DOWN

Lord help him...what I have is only HOPE n I am sure he will be safe..he is in Your Mighty Hand..Lord You are the only ONE ...I beg You Jesus as I know YOU never let me down You are helping him...You never fail...
I am not sad Jesus...I am just bewildered...Jesus helps him..if there are sins, curses or anything as a barrier forgive us forgive our ancestors forgive our parents...Bapa forgive us...maybe we never realize if we hurt You...Bapa help us help him.

Lord ..I beg YOU

Bapa what You want me to do...?...

Jesus..if You ask me whether I love You or not I am saying "I love You"....


(I beg desperately for his healing..their healing .. Jesus their sadness..and their misery are also
part of my life..if something bad happened on him and them I will feel hurt .. in this case I know
You have thousand ways to spare me from that hurt feeling...
Lord ...You love me....and I love You too......You never let me down)


tonight..I've just come back from my hometown..

milestones

Smiling and patting my own chest,
the time I'll try to scribble the milestones in my life...
oh...I am thankful
You are always be there with or without my understanding...

YOUR JEALOUSY holds me so tight
YOUR EYES never depart from me

I know Your Love cannot be weary to meet my understanding..
several times just now I've screamed hilariously in my heart
calling You..

YOU YOURSELF adorn my milestones..and only is it because of YOUR ENDLESS LOVE...
Always will it be good memory between You and me in this world and after
Never is it wrong when I say I am sealed with YOUR LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.....

I am....

I am only a snobbish dust..
go here and there in a gust.

TRUSTING YOU

whatever has been happening...
all in Your loving care
and I trust it has been good.

whatever has been through....
all in Your flawless will
and I trust it has been beautiful

being calm..my soul
trust Him..
no more dismay, no more jitters
is coming to your life

being joyous ..my soul
trust Him ..
no more trudge, no more calamity
is happening to your life

HIS LOVE IS EMPOWERING
HIS LOVE IS ENCOURAGING
HIS LOVE IS ENLIGHTENING
HIS LOVE IS SUPPORTING
HIS LOVE IS FORGIVING
HIS LOVE IS CARING

RIDDANCE

The word riddance comes out all of sudden from my tiredness, confusion, undisciplined behavior...I have asked myself since the morning..what is wrong ? what does I need ?
what have I done ? where am I...?? what is the aim of my life ? what am I after ?


HAVE I EVER THOUGHT IF I HAVE EVER BEEN TRIFLING MY TIME BY HURTING, DISTURBING, INFLICTING ANYONE ???


Lord what is wrong with me..is the word RIDDANCE has something to do with my condition now ? Lord, is it because my focus is strayed from You ?

Lord, I remember and long for the time where I could feel the warm of Your Love..and now I insist on getting it it back....


For the last several years caused of so much infliction from several parties, I have been busy in the worst way to defend and vindicate what I have thought I am deserved, my rights. Try to slake all my desires,...put so much attention on every odds and ends...goodness they all vigorously dragged and made me cool and callous..no mercy, no affection, no patience, and no love.


LOVE......
without love everything is for nought even I've just reminded without it... faith doesn't work out...so RIDDANCE FROM ALL VANITY OF THE WORD is an emergency case.

being cheerful

so many times, I remind myself to cheer up to choose to enjoy this life not to make it a burden. A part of me says okay but the other end pulls me even into a deeper tangle of worries a heavier burden of life.

once I made decision to have ideal life, to do what I am supposed to do as a house wife, to pay full attention on my 2 children, to spend more or even all of my time and sacrifice my spare time only for these two girls'need, to listen patiently, attentively to what they imagined but whew ..the more I want to be this and that the more decisions I make...in fact the further I will be away from the target..and at the end usually I'll do nothing but only feel distressed of not doing anything.....and that feeling is capable enough to take away my cheerfulness....

Dealing with the spouse..sometimes I try my way to make it simple by making believe nothing ever happened, no case , not anything..I live in my own imagination..but it doesn't work also...I cannot keep my cheerfulness......

maybe being myself,..being a human,...being realistic..will bring me to the cheerfulness.

sparring partner

never realized before that I was the one who chose my own life my own cases.
From TBN yesterday I have heard that we should be realistic instead of living in our thoughts in our fantasy...huh....

The way someone talks, looks at , and treats you actually they are all clues to know if the person loves you or not. So no need for me to feel that kind of hurt by several betrayals during the 10 years time.....by letting and giving in myself to be a sparring partner for my own thoughts, my own belief, and my own conclusion..the thought of that I had the absolute right to be loved by him....

BE REALISTIC
it isn't wrong to admit that there is no room for me in his heart. Anyway..even there is a room for me,... still no significant point... for what ???

The decision is made a long time ago..but now I cannot blame God , find an excuse to run away from what I should face...
I should behave as what I should do...whatever he does should not steer me. No need for me to be a cheater even he cheated me for instance.

The silly thoughts and things I made
- always asking for the right to be loved ....RIGTH TO BE LOVED...it sounds rather
peculiar and odd..but this matter made me misled and caused me depressed .

- deafening myself for the voices telling the true facts..and filling up my mind
with my own thoughts, arguments, and conclusions.

- being stiff necked..I thought it was almost impossible for me to be wrong in taking
my steps....

- being too proud to admit I could be wrong in my decision

- the most silly and shameful one is I thought I offered good and holy sacrifice to
my Lord by having this kind of life enduring the betrayal.


Lucky HE IS THE ALMIGHTY ONE gives me HIS LOVE....forgives me always...and..Lord I am touched by Your Patience with my foolish thoughts...

Lord .. forgive me if I often blamed You and disowned my own fault
Lord... in YOUR HAND everything will be great... and today 1st of jan 2010 I put my scrambled life, my fam , my hopes, my requests in Your Mighty LOVING Hand..and I know You never ever let me suffer and feel sad.

Bapa gives me YOUR SMIlE to pacify my heart...

LORD .....You are so kind... please approve my latest requests if they aren't against Your Will.......THANK YOU in advance Lord...

gift or grace

It became my self-tradition to ask something on the date of my birth..from THE LORD, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.

Long before the day, I would be busy to think what to be asked...and several lines of supporting reasons why I should be entitled to it would be clustered. Quite often tears as seasoning would be participated.

After receiving it, usually I would say to myself...."you are deserved what you asked..or maybe you are more righteous than people you dislike so that's why He approved it..." !!! GOODNESS .... !!!! SHAME ON ME !!!

How come just now I have realized ?? Lord.. forgive me..maybe I caused the stink before You ... and this hour I've also fully realized I've never deserved to receive anything I asked and Your forgiveness unless Your Son died for my sins.

Lord this is Christmas season and it conjures up my mind that Your Son came to redeem my sins and save my live...

and moreover about many things I have asked ..they aren't GIFTS but GRACE

Thank You Lord for the grace for forgiving my ignorance between gift and grace....

WHEN HE OPENS...NO ONE CAN SHUT..NEITHER CAN I

I should learn and keep in mind from the recent issue.. to "go forward"...fight against my own fear that has been nagging, gnawing and once again trying to plunder my courage..It seemed impossible, it looked blur that time.. almost no support from people around me..even several jumped to their own conclusion carelessly and "hoped I couldn't get thru...."
I live in varied society.. it is normal....in fact it is not wise to hope something to hope a support from others...

that time I was so confused .. and I have almost agreed with people around me I have almost surrended my self to the fear.. and walked from TRAUMA TO THE DEEPER TRAUMA.

It was started on the early of November...the next day HE sent someone and talked to me not to be discouraged...and also sent my mom to say the same story not to give up..mom said to try again and again .. saying all of my cousins were worse than me before.

my mind said "you cannot" the rest of my broken courage said "you can" ... I've prayed and prayed asking His protection, supra natural talent..and now the trauma is gone

quoted from the verse psalm 94: 18-19 today:
"when I said "my foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me, Your -consolation brought joy to my soul."

He gives me strength
He makes me courageous
He supports me
He has thousand ways to help and heal me

HE OPENS THE DOOR........no one can say no !!!!