gift or grace

It became my self-tradition to ask something on the date of my birth..from THE LORD, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE.

Long before the day, I would be busy to think what to be asked...and several lines of supporting reasons why I should be entitled to it would be clustered. Quite often tears as seasoning would be participated.

After receiving it, usually I would say to myself...."you are deserved what you asked..or maybe you are more righteous than people you dislike so that's why He approved it..." !!! GOODNESS .... !!!! SHAME ON ME !!!

How come just now I have realized ?? Lord.. forgive me..maybe I caused the stink before You ... and this hour I've also fully realized I've never deserved to receive anything I asked and Your forgiveness unless Your Son died for my sins.

Lord this is Christmas season and it conjures up my mind that Your Son came to redeem my sins and save my live...

and moreover about many things I have asked ..they aren't GIFTS but GRACE

Thank You Lord for the grace for forgiving my ignorance between gift and grace....

WHEN HE OPENS...NO ONE CAN SHUT..NEITHER CAN I

I should learn and keep in mind from the recent issue.. to "go forward"...fight against my own fear that has been nagging, gnawing and once again trying to plunder my courage..It seemed impossible, it looked blur that time.. almost no support from people around me..even several jumped to their own conclusion carelessly and "hoped I couldn't get thru...."
I live in varied society.. it is normal....in fact it is not wise to hope something to hope a support from others...

that time I was so confused .. and I have almost agreed with people around me I have almost surrended my self to the fear.. and walked from TRAUMA TO THE DEEPER TRAUMA.

It was started on the early of November...the next day HE sent someone and talked to me not to be discouraged...and also sent my mom to say the same story not to give up..mom said to try again and again .. saying all of my cousins were worse than me before.

my mind said "you cannot" the rest of my broken courage said "you can" ... I've prayed and prayed asking His protection, supra natural talent..and now the trauma is gone

quoted from the verse psalm 94: 18-19 today:
"when I said "my foot is slipping," Your love, O Lord, supported me, Your -consolation brought joy to my soul."

He gives me strength
He makes me courageous
He supports me
He has thousand ways to help and heal me

HE OPENS THE DOOR........no one can say no !!!!

christmas 2009

the season is coming... the smell whirls around me... quickly chapped heart is surrounded by His Blood in a blink...
He never likes and He never wants to find me downhearted... inside my heart He has just whispered..calling my name and saying....

why I hadn't given all my life to Him and trusted Him whole-heartedly..

Jesus ... forgives me..and I need to say


Thank You for Your everlasting meek smile...
Thank You for sparing my life several times from the wicked disaster...
Thank You for Your Counsel...
Thank You for holding me firmly while I was stumbling...
Thank You for vindicating me...
Thank You for bringing me close to Your Heart

Jesus... THANK YOU for cleansing my heart from any bitterness, sins, jealousy and many others which stained my heart....

Lord please accept my smile as a devotion to You..

YOU ARE THE BEST OF ALL...
YOU NEVER BE WRONG...
GLORY..GLORY...FOREVER...ALL THE GLORY ONLY FOR JESUS
HOLY IN THE HIGHEST PLACE....
ALMIGHTY... LOVE ....FOREVER AND EVER.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009

HE IS MY LORD

When I was in a quandary,
He held my hand.

When the tears welled up my eyes,
He brought me to His Lap.

When I was in agony,
He wrapped me with His Blood

When I couldn't do anything,
He did something

HE IS MY LORD....

GOD IS GOOD

Bapa I need Your Hug.....I am Yours....
You are so great n You let me go thru this all.....I know Your Eyes on me.... Thank You for Your Smile Lord...as You fully understand me....be patient on me...You does the same to them....to him.

The tears keep on dropping...maybe it is one of my weaknesses....let it be Lord...as I myself don't really realize I am happy or I am in great turmoil, anger or sadness.

Bapa.....I am tired.... I cannot be this sentimental.... Life should be go on
Bapa ....if I am doing something wrong pls forgive me ... is it a punishment Lord ?

You promise me You take me out of this..this time....no more bondage...You give me relief
.....

You love us all as human beings....You love them .. even him....
last time when I was asking

"if he is a real human .?.. what You see of him ? "

to my astonishment You said he was precious than anything in the world...

and I stopped asking that time....I couldn't find any reason to hate the person You love Bapa ..... You love him Lord..... Maybe I am as worse as him or maybe more but you never give up on me.......

Several times for almost a decade You have reminded me not to "give up" on him...... and now even I don't know how.... You do also not give up on him .....!!!! God is good....

it is NOT just only a dream

laying and resting my head on Your Palms....the smile doesn't want to leave my face..the heart overflows its joy all night and day.

Nowadays, the situation turns to be more overwhelmed.
I almost cannot tell the difference between dream and reality..... between day and night.

Several times I need to ask myself to double check if everything is true and not a mere hallucination in order no need for me to hide myself and seek consolation by hiding myself in the night time everyday.

as the dream the desire are come true ...... time to wake up and reap the desired dreams...

what a fortune..what a bless " it is N-O-T just only a dream "

....I am happy....

in The Shadow of His Hand...what more I want to ask..?
Many things still happen out there and I should never ever bother again...He keeps me safe...

His warmest hand pats me...
His smile never goes away from my eyes...
His love promises so many great things that never fail
His power rebukes any devil's arrows pointed at me....

I've just come to.. that every shedded tear penetrated in my heart for ages before are counted.....

Bapa....thank You....maybe I am far from what I want to be to make You proud of me but I know now........You are proud of me.

suspicion

something nagging and bothering my days for years.I desperately feel curious about the fact behind this all.

God.. is it okay ?

-Maybe it is not the time for me to know the truth yet.

-Or it is my own fault because almost no action from my side to find the answer and
just let the suspicious circumstances flow by itself and at the same time let the torturing question busily scratching my mind.


Lord am I too passive ? What reaction and what response should I take ?????

What is helping is Your Words.......You will set me free......no more of this all.

mixed in my dream

tears drop inside,,,
lead me to bed time

by and by
mixed in my dream
accompanied... all night long


diary June 12th 1993

love you for good

diary sept 20th 1992

the triumph... the party...the laugh
go in a wink...never be back


the sorrowness...the pain...the agony
come at another turn for once and for all
respectively

It becomes this way...

SMILE represents both bliss and tears
no basic difference between them

but the LOVE of mine
has never gone


JUST LIKE A WATER
ONCE VAPOUR,..........SOON COMES BACK
TO BE THE WATER AGAIN


diary sept 20th 1992

unsure

the morning dawn dew
breaks the night...
faces the fact

since then, ... heart is restless
appeals the unsure future..


.......the schedule is so tight
facing the time,
running out like a flow
the heart is heavy
looking at a distance..try to digest the reality
how cud it be so strange to me ??? against me in so many ways

shud I stay ?
only God knows the lasting of mine
have I've been doing something so awful??


diary 1992.... at the office

riddle

riddle is no longer still a riddle
turning out to be the only question left
scratching the heart...

how could I be expected to figure it out
while it deepen in many subtle ways ??

God ... very sorry to pop out
this question...
Are You here around me ???


diary Oct 10 1992

marvelous

rainbow in the sky
over there looks marvelous
dawn inside I feel cold
go there feel the touch

diary ... oct 10th 1992

bitterness

tears after tears in bitterness
make my heart bitter

fears after fears in sorrowness
make my heart sorrow.



.....something in me is quite hurting
playing with my own fantasy...
playing with my own dreams...
am I hoping too much ???

diary Jan 16th 1997

dawn in the rain

dawn in the rain...
take the deep sigh
cold outside...cold inside
take out the agony...
covering all around


.....I wake up this night
around 3 dawn in the morning
my eyes still wet with tears

heavy rain outside
just like heavy tears dropping on my pillow...
that night !!!

diary June 5th 1995

simple

the term is so simple
simple and simple...
simple to be followed...
simple to be declined


what is it simple ???
simple to get hurt...
or
simple to be free ???


diary April 28 1995

my heart is empty

my heart towards you is empty...

no hatred...
as this is nothing to do with you

no love...
even I doubt your existence

BUT

one hundred reasons ask me to love you
the most of them cos of Jesus


diary march 11th 1997

love is

love is...
something unexposed
something unspoken

'cos

its shyness to be known by...
its fear to grab the freedom of...
its worriness to bother...
its care not too hurt...

"THE BELOVED'S FEELINGS


diary march 12th 1997

sepi

senandung sepi sendiri...
sendu senada senja.
sekarang sewaktu senja....
seakan selalu sendiri

diary sept 1994

seeing your smiles

my hidden tears dropping...
penetrating..... freezing in my heart
do nothing but contemplate...
can it melt and vapour ???

hoping in thousand days...
even I never deserve...
seeing your smiles...
at last !!!

diary feb 7th 1991